What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 10:51
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He knew the spot.
Any straight men had a gay experience in the past? What was it and how did you feel?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I have no regrets .
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It was going to be , some day.
Im still living with it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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When she asked me how she looked .
Comes on , in middle age.
She found it foreign!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I will be 64.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were not on the streets..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Put me off passion for life!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So, i spoilt her more .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I don,t even have a pension.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My family never makes their pension either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But, we were locked up after school.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She married twice! .
What did i know ?
I was scared of men, in general
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it wasn’t much.
So whats the point in blame.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mum and dad in the seventies!